PwnTalk

Yeah, we have all seen Ninjas. They wear loose fitting black clothing, can walk up walls and jump over fences, and kick people’s ass using a stick and a can of tuna. Ninjas are the master assassins of the net world, the movie screen, and Chuck Norris’ oft-photographed “Ninja room”. But what does it take to be a Ninja? Can an IRL challenged person become a Ninja in only 5 minutes a day?
Of course they can!

Using these tried and true methods, we can guarantee that if you survive the training, you will be able to wear the secret black uniform of a Ninja with pride. Using our patent-pending workout, the muscles you haven’t Googled in years spring to life with deadly force! Wow ( “surprise”, for World of Warcraft players) your friends, impress your date, and scare the hell out of your enemies with your new-found ability to punch through a wall, kick an apple off someone’s head, and backflip across an airport runway. Lets get started!

• Before beginning this or any other exercise program, consult your physician to make sure you are healthy enough to participate. Ha! Just kidding. No one actually does this.

• For many of these exercises, you will need a partner. A large stuffed animal (given back to you by an ex-girlfriend) works wonderfully. Do not use real life human beings, as the laughter can be a distraction. Time is of the essence: otherwise, you miss your FaceBook updates.
• Clothing should be loose and non-binding. You cannot high-kick wearing briefs, so boxers are a requirement. If you choose to go commando, then proceed at your own risk.
• For the first 45 seconds, deep breathing exercises and stretches. This will involve bending down and picking up your cell phone. You drop it 100 times a day anyhow, so we aren’t breaking any new ground just yet.
• Two minutes of high kicking: Hold the large ex-girlfriend-stuffed-animal, imagine it is her, and toss it in front of you. Kick the hell out of it. Repeat, while shouting her name. Satisfying, isn’t it!
• Get your breath, and stand at the side of the bed. Jump as hard as you can backwards, and kick your feet up at an imaginary target at eye level. Backwards is key here, otherwise, you will end up with a bleeding face and possibly a broken leg. For a change of pace, replace the bed with a futon, with or without a mattress.
• Ninja speed reflexes are legendary. For one minute and thirty seconds, drop a dollar bill out of your hand, and try to catch it before it hits the ground. To improve your reflexes, make it a $20 bill.
• For the last exercise, practice jumping over a moving vehicle. For beginners, a neighbor’s kid on a tricycle is considered to be a moving vehicle. Advanced jumpers can move on up to Big Wheels, sorority girls on bicycles, and pizza delivery drivers. Remember to add a few feet of clearance because of the leet pizza car signs that strap to the top of the car.

There. If you can find the time to practice these things every day, you will become eligible to wear the venerated black uniform of the Ninja. We own the NIGHT!

It is a dark and stormy night. As you and your date leave the latest Julia Roberts movie via the back exit, you are suddenly attacked by 12 Ninjas! What do you do?

Well, if you are the woman in this adventure, run away. Make sure you fall and break a heel, or twist your leg, or something theatrical. Lose your voice and be unable to call for help. Take a wrong turn, and end up captured, tied up, and tossed in the back of a van. Make sure to keep your purse and drop your cell phone. Plead frequently for your life, twist your wrists against the ropes that bind you, and generally make a nuisance of yourself. Don’t show any fear, because nothing is actually going to happen to you anyhow. You are not to be seen again until there is only 5 minutes left in the movie. Your part was easy.

Now, for the guy. You are all alone with a dozen Ninjas. Your date has ran off and tripped or whatever and been captured, etc. Put that out of your mind. Take a few deep breaths while they are circling around you brandishing their Ninja weapons.

• First of all, stand with your back to a wall. From a fighting standpoint, this makes little sense, as you are cutting off any hope of escape. But in order for the Ninjas to do those kick-ass wall walks, they have to be near a wall.

injured broken ninja by angryninja
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• Take off your jacket, watch, earrings, and any other jewelry you are wearing. No sense ruining a nice set of clothes fighting Ninjas.
• Assume a random fighting stance. If you took tae kwan do as a child, this will do nicely. If you didn’t participate in martial arts training as a child, take just a moment to curse your parents, and make something up. Be intimidating.
• When the Ninjas start to attack, remember: The Ninja code is “Only one Ninja at a time can attack.” This makes it a LOT easier.
• When the first Ninja jumps to attack you, drop to one knee and punch upwards. That will make the rest of the Ninjas pause. No one likes taking a ball punch, not even Ninjas.
• While the first Ninja is on the ground clutching his privates, this is a good time to pick up a weapon. Weapons are always found in dark alleys, usually only a few inches from your feet. Hope for the sawed-off shotgun; settle for the stiff dead cat.
• If you get the shotgun, start shooting away. A sawed-off shotgun found in an alleyway during a Ninja fight has unlimited ammunition. Blaze away unti the Ninjas flip and regroup.
• If you get the stiff dead cat, keep in mind that the tail of the stiff dead cat will only stay attached for a few blows before breaking off. Start thinking of a back-up plan, or use both halves of the cat as nunchucks.
• When the Ninjas back away in pain (shotgun) or revulsion (cat guts everywhere), turn and run towards the dead end of the alley. It sounds silly, but if you go out the other side, you will be safe. Where is the fun in that?
• When you get to the dead end, turn around and look confused. Pick up the next alleyway weapon, tossing the shotgun/dead cat parts aside. The Ninjas are rushing you now!
• In slow motion, hit each Ninja with the lead pipe/Barbie Corvette (here again, alleyway weapons vary). Make sure you pirouette after each strike. Do a foward roll too, just for fun. There is nothing better than rolling in raw sewage and movie theater garbage.
• After a Ninja takes a hit on the shoulder, it should be knocked unconscious for 2-5 hours. Once you have eliminated all of the soldier Ninjas, it is time to fight the Boss Ninja at his hideout and rescue your date; however, you can skip this part if your date
  1. is not going to put out anyhow, or
  2. is hideously unattractive.

  If either of these apply, pick up your clothes and go home, shower, and go to bed.

Congratulations!

police ninja by angryninja
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