14Feb09 How to Keep up With Internet Memes and Still Get a Good Nights Rest

We have all been there. 2:30 in the morning, eyes peeled back like a pair of grapes with toothpicks underneath waiting for the little red thingy at the bottom right hand corner of the screen to pop up and let us know that the latest smart aleck comment was being judged and relayed all over the internet by our groupie friends on FaceBook.
It can be a little addictive.
But it can also cause severe sleep dep, which makes the quick one liners and smartass comments sound dry and oddly disjointed. How do you manage to keep your reign as the edgiest man on your friends network? Fortunately for you, we have a few tips to keep you tight and funny while you get to sleep all you want to, thereby maintaining your edge as the funniest person on the Internet.’

  • When inviting new people into your circle of assgrabbing soilhoggers.. .I mean friends.. make sure they are only online during your waking hours. No invites after midnight, because that is like getting the last girl standing at the bar.
  • Choose you battles wisely. You do not have to comment on the new baby, or the recent surgeries, or the childrens’ new FaceBook photos. Skip those, mostly because they are too easy and forgettable.
  • Make SURE your mother is not on your Facebook. In fact, if she is, stop reading now and fix that quickly. This takes care of a lot of awkward moments.
  • Since you are taking your mother off of your FB, take your girlfriend off too. She doesn’t need to see any of this either, and plus she is always making you take those damned quizzes on how much you love each other. Let it go, man.
  • When you start doing your carpet bomb on people, make it short and sweet, and make sure you have enough friends online when you do it to make it worth your while. Only having one person on is useless, because you are up the rest of the night waiting for your real friends to read the flame.
  • Faster is better, and many are greater than few. Knock off as many burns as quickly as possible, then come back in an hour and look at the carnage. Look at your meme counter. If it is only 2, then you didn’t hit your target. If it is over 20, nice one. Over 100, you get a call from Colbert wanting a new writer ( and he needs one. Truly.)
  • Any late night burns and cuts are considered overnight after 11pm. It is like cooking a turkey. Turn on the oven, and forget about it for 5-6 hours. Open the oven in the morning, and reap your reward.

By using these few simple steps, you get all the well-deserved rest you need. And you have certainly earned it as “King of the Facebook world”.

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1Jan09 Megalomania in 140 Characters or Less

Twitter has revolutionized the nation’s speech patterns in such a manner that the true Megalomaniac finally has the time to take over the world. There is not much defense against this mostly because of Twitterapathy: however, being non-megs ( as we call ourselves) we have figured out a few defenses to stop the dictator of our 140 characters to back down and admit he is just a lonely guy living with his mother with too much free time and Mountain Dew. Lets explore a few ideas and techniques.

  • When some random person starts following you, delete them quickly. He is just trying to get you to follow him as well. Nip that in the bud. Unless she is hot. Then its ok. Unless it is a dude with a hot girls picture. Then it is not ok, but horribly, horribly wrong.
  • If you are in a group of people that consists of random conversations, and one person making random comments about these random conversations, and you notice this, you probably need to turn off a while and read a book.
  • If a person starts spamming burns on your Twitter, do NOT LOL, ROFL, or ROFLMAO, or ROFLCOPTER. This just encourages the meg, and pisses the rest of us off.
  • If a non-meg is getting burned, help the non-meg by insulting the meg so BADLY he logs off for a few days. Get personal, Biblical, and do your best to send him over the edge. MAKE THE MEG CRY IRL. This is fun.
  • If you really wanna piss off a meg and turn him away from his path of world domination, ignore him. Drop him from your network, and encourage your friends to do the same. Make sure he doesn’t use the “Hot Girl” trick and get on your FB, though. Hell hath no fury like a megalomaniac scorned.
  • By all means welcome dissent and intelligent discourse. If it gets boring (and it will) switch the topic to beer and women. That NEVER gets old. And beer is only 4 characters long. Republican avarice is 19. Do the math!

If you find yourself becoming a Megalomaniac on the Twitter, you have resources available to you. There are several internet groups that can help with your overzealous use of Twitter to broaden other peoples’ horizons. Join one, and lead them to the Promised Land.

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25Dec08 Trolling Forums for the Catch of the Day, or How to Make Someone Elses Lecture Your Showcase!

Forum trollers as a literary genre are almost dead. We have YouTube now, so if we want the quick and dirty, we can point, click, and watch. But every once in a while, a site comes along that still has the good old forum section. No one reads these anymore, but if you get on an active site, you have a chance to “BE SOMEBODY, BAYBEE!”

  • First of all, be polite at first. Add viable commentary and thoughtful analysis as you can. Lowercase only. Establish yourself as a thinking person.
  • Slowly lose all control. If you cannot convince people with facts, baffle them with bullshit. Here again, lower case letters. Motivation: a slightly drunk uncle discussing politics with a 10 year old child.
  • Begin inserting catchy random phrases into your writing. Make sure, at first anyhow, that these phrases still have bearing on the topic. Save the really good ones for a little later.
  • Come back to your senses, and speak reasonably and calmly on the topic. For about 3 minutes.
  • Ok. Capital letters time! However, the moderator is not free game. Attack his supporters as a gang of sheep-raping inbreds hell-bent on the destruction of this nation and values, and that Jesus Himself will come down and expiate their sins by casting them down into  a Lake of Fire ( or if this is already a Baptist Forum, you might wanna throw in some dance moves, since the whole fire and brimstone is part of the forum already).
  • As the forum goes screeling out into pure bedlam and all capital letters and accusations ( I did NOT F&*# that sheep!), sit back and watch the moderator try to figure out exactly what happened to make this all go awry.
  • Copy and paste everything, leaving out the parts where you wrote anything. Post on a public bulletin board, or a WordPress blog where millions of hits are guaranteed.
  • Bask in your glory. You earned it.
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