- Be edgy. Pick 5-6 indie bands, preferably emo, and post links to their websites. Never visit the actual sites or listen to their music, but be ready for the influx of girls who like to cut themselves.
- Instantly wtfpwn someone politically, and delete their retort. Cut and paste, and send to your “real” friends. If you don’t have real friends, just send to yourself and bask in remembered glory.
- How to meet girls. Play Vampire Wars or Fashion Wars, kick their asses, and then invite them to join your clan. Upgrade your friends from a bunch of ugly dudes to a huge stack of beautiful Goth women.
- Sign on as the opposite sex, with corresponding hot photo. Meet members of the same sex, and destroy them in front of their friends (”It was a little small, and I had to finish alone” is the death bringer).
- Start your own Facebook group. Make sure you don’t have your mother as one of your friends, otherwise, you are going to be miserable come face time.
- Upload every single photo of yourself that you have on your computer. This cuts down on random people looking at you because the load time is unbearable.
- Make sure you play every single application and invite everyone to join it. Constantly. Then when they ask you to join something, ignore it. Feel the POWER!
- Only chat with people you would consider sleeping with. Never start a chat, because that is a sign of weakness. Wait for it.
- Poke everyone daily. No real reason, just poke them. The ones that poke back are not your friends but Facebook junkies. Ignore them.
- Go on “vacation” Tell everyone when you are leaving, give an itinerary. Make sure that none of your friends live near your destination. Build it up constantly. Then skip Facebook for a week and play WoW and not be missed. Make up surprising stories and adventures and tell them when you “come home”.
T-shirts are great because they can say what you have always wanted to say, but lack the moral courage (balls) to say. The key to a great t-shirt isn’t the message, but the PLACEMENT. Like real estate, location is the key to having a great tee with a message that really gets what you want to say off your chest without getting your ass beaten.
For the Twitter Nation (What are you doing right now!?)
* Front Side: Tweet!
* Back Side: RT @aplusk Fbk sux.Rly Rly sux.
For Facebook Users (Which Giraffe Spot Pattern are you?!)
* Front Side: Meet new friends every day!
* Back Side: Twitterers are too ugly for Facebook.
For MySpace Friends (Get this t-shirt, and save the planet!)
* Front Side: I’m a single mother and a home school parent!
* Back Side: My home schooled 8-year-old just fragged your college sophomore in Halo 3.
For Match.com Daters (Upload a picture, and get more responses!)
* Front Side : Looking for friendship first!
* Back Side: I’m not drunk enough to even call you, much less talk to you. Yet.
For World of Warcraft players (Nah. Most of you play in your underwear anyhow. Skip the T-shirts. And the bathing. And the entire month of July. WoW>IRL.)
For Democrats (Yeah, you won the election. Now go after those Republican assholes and rub it in.)
* Front Side: “Obama/Biden: A Dream for America
* Back side : “McCain/Palin: A Nightmare for Anyone with an IQ over 20.
* Front Side: It Is Time For Change!
* Back Side : McCain Should Have Dumped That Bitch While He Had A Chance.
* Front Side : Obama Nation!
* Back Side : Deport All Republicans To Iraq!
For Republicans (It was a tough election cycle. Show the Democrats how you really feel.)
* Front Side : Hockey Mom’s Unite!
* Back Side : Single Mom’s Don’t Vote!
* Front Side : McCain/Palin 2012
* Back SIde : Hitler/Stalin 2012. Vote Democratic!
* Front Side : Freedom Has A Price.
* Back Side : So do Democratic Congressmen. Purchase One Today!
For the Recently Divorced Male
* Front Side : I Love My Children!
* Back Side : I Hate Paying that Soul-Sucking Bitch Every Month!
For the Recently Divorced Female
* Front Side: Single Mothers Unite!
* Back Side: Don’t talk to me about your Erectile Dysfunction, you pathetic shell of a man.
Keep in mind, someone will see the back of your t-shirt. Remain calm. Explain to the potential agressor that 1) it is just a t-shirt someone gave you, and you haven’t actually read the back of it, or 2) wear a jacket over the tshirt, and only wear it in private like the wimp you actually are. Either way, you win!
16Aug08
War and Peace in 140 characters
Twitterers can update their entire lives within 140 characters. Every space, every punctuation mark, every adjective, noun, and verb is optional. If it gets the message across, 140 characters is optimal. With so many people on Twitter and text messaging, literature as an art form is undergoing radical changes. Imagine What would it have been like in the good old days when Am Lit was a required college course. Let’s take a look!
War and Peace in 140 characters :Rus’n wnter,ballrm dncing, Napl’n Bpte rtrt Mscw, Anastasia, bleak, cold, white dog,borscht,frgid,tundra,french defeated, boiled cabbage…
Ok, that looks easy enough. Let’s try something harder!
Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address in 140 characters :4scre7yrs ago,4fthers bought 4th a nu natn, we cannot dedicate, nor can we consecrate ths grnd, gov’t by ppl 4 ppl will nvr prsh frm d earth
Kinda choppy, but then again, it is the best thing ever written.Now let’s try some American Fiction!
Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird, in 140 characters: Bu Radly, Atticus fnch, Clprnia, flwrs, Easter, brd motifs,Jem&Sct,1 armd mn, ded-I fnch, mddog,geraniums,flrpots,chffarbe,hse fire, blanket
Thank heaven Harper Lee stopped after one novel!
Now, lets take a quick peek at TwitterTalk for the dating singles.
TwitterGirl:SWF iso SM 4 mvies, lng wlk on beach, cuddlng. Likes hback rding,cndles,dislks rude n aggressive.Mst b tall,rich, n sngle, no games.Fmly man
TwitterGuy: wanna f&*k?
Notice that TwitterGuy doesn’t actually need to USE 140 characters to get his message across. Quick, concise, and to the point.
And finally, workplace Twitter, 140 characters or less.
TwitterBoss :140 pages due tmmrow, bdgt mtng @3pm, prjctns revw,projct assmnt,allcte nu pking spce,dctate 4 memos, wilksn 2 head nu prjct, overtime req’d
TwitterWilkenson:r u kdding?
TwitterBoss: n
TwitterWilkenson : i qt.
TwitterBoss : n. U dnt qt. U fired.
Yes, the Twitter makes for clear concise communication between management and underlings. Tweet Away!
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