Tired of sitting at home leading raids on World of Warcraft or spam updating your Twitter? Is your BlackBerry your best friend? Have you looked at all of the “Hottie” pictures on FaceBook? Ready to venture out into the dating world, but you haven’t been on a date since Apple 2C? You need a few tips to get started, and luckily for you, we have them right here.

• If you are a girl, you can probably stop reading this now. It doesn’t actually matter from a guy’s standpoint what you look like or how you act. With proper lighting, you can be a 3-toed sloth eating a plate of entrails, and a guy will want to take you out. Congratulations!

Now that we have managed to stop the girls from reading our secrets (EWWWWW!!! ENTRAILS!!!!), we can get started.

• Using your mouse, click on Google, and type in INDIE BANDS. Copy and paste 10-12 sites to your MySpace or FaceBook page. If necessary, include cover art. Comments such as ” Hauntingly beautiful” and ” Wanton” add to your credibility. Under no circumstances actually listen to the music. It is Vogon Poetry. Truly.

• Now that the whole world knows what a sensitive and edgy guy you are, its time to dress like it. For whatever reason, girls care more about how a guy dresses than the actual guy does. Lose the work clothes, wear jeans. Polo shirts with no IBM logos. Shoes that match. Socks, ditto.
• Once you have managed to dress, take a look at the head. Hair (on head) should be neatly groomed. Hair (inside of nostrils) should be removed. Hair (on ears) ditto.
• Teeth should be white and clean. Do not use bleach to whiten teeth, as this does not mix well with Mountain Dew.
• Do a pit check. Repeat. Bad smells mean it is time for a shower. A bad smell is one that wrinkles your nose. If you gag a little, just wash longer. Soap is your friend.
• Once bathed and dressed, go out to the car, and clean it out. 1400 Starbucks cups in the passenger side of the car make a great environmental statement, but also make it impossible to take a date home.
• When picking up your date at her home, the doorbell does not function as a reload button. Repeated pressing will not make her load faster. Once is fine, twice is pushing the limit, three times means she is not coming down. Ever.
• When she finally opens the door, tell her she looks nice. Do not tell her to bump you some fresh pics.
• Always open the door for the woman. That way, you can show off your superior motor skills and strength.
• When dining out, only Tweet when she is in the bathroom or otherwise occupied. For more of a challenge, learn to speak in 140 characters or less in IRL conversations.
• Make small talk. Do not tell her about your raid on WoW, as that is none of her business. If necessary, check the weather report on your BlackBerry before beginning the discussion.
• Turn off your cell phone ringtones before ordering dinner. Nothing says “GEEKSQUAD” like Akon coming from your cellphone in a French Restaurant. Plus, the vibrate kinda tickles.
• Wine should be ordered as quickly as possible. If you are at Burger King, this presents a challenge. Come prepared with a Franzia Box, the one with the little dispenser at the bottom. Place unobtrusively on the table and fill your cups, her cup first.
• When eating, use silverware. Finger food makes your BlackBerry all gooky and greasy.
• After the meal, use your card to pay the bill. Paypal is not usually accepted at restaurants, and cash is for people with dial-up.
• After eating, you might end up at a movie. Act surprised at the ending, although you already downloaded a pirate version the day before it came out.
• If you must, take a walk in a romantic place. Best Buy is not considered a romantic place, but since Circuit City closed, your options are limited. Best to let her choose.
• When you take her home, try and remember the directions back to her house without using GPS. She will think this is special and romantic. Google “Romantic” when you get home, not while you are driving.
• At the door, it is considered polite to kiss your date goodnight. If she invites you inside, it is considered polite to accept. If she slams the door in your face, and you stay outside all night long trying to peek in her windows, it is considered stalking.

Good luck, and happy dating! And if this doesn’t work for you, consider eHarmony, where you can find someone exactly like yourself for only $59.99 a month!