Yeah, we have all seen Ninjas. They wear loose fitting black clothing, can walk up walls and jump over fences, and kick people’s ass using a stick and a can of tuna. Ninjas are the master assassins of the net world, the movie screen, and Chuck Norris’ oft-photographed “Ninja room”. But what does it take to be a Ninja? Can an IRL challenged person become a Ninja in only 5 minutes a day?
Of course they can!

Using these tried and true methods, we can guarantee that if you survive the training, you will be able to wear the secret black uniform of a Ninja with pride. Using our patent-pending workout, the muscles you haven’t Googled in years spring to life with deadly force! Wow ( “surprise”, for World of Warcraft players) your friends, impress your date, and scare the hell out of your enemies with your new-found ability to punch through a wall, kick an apple off someone’s head, and backflip across an airport runway. Lets get started!

• Before beginning this or any other exercise program, consult your physician to make sure you are healthy enough to participate. Ha! Just kidding. No one actually does this.

• For many of these exercises, you will need a partner. A large stuffed animal (given back to you by an ex-girlfriend) works wonderfully. Do not use real life human beings, as the laughter can be a distraction. Time is of the essence: otherwise, you miss your FaceBook updates.
• Clothing should be loose and non-binding. You cannot high-kick wearing briefs, so boxers are a requirement. If you choose to go commando, then proceed at your own risk.
• For the first 45 seconds, deep breathing exercises and stretches. This will involve bending down and picking up your cell phone. You drop it 100 times a day anyhow, so we aren’t breaking any new ground just yet.
• Two minutes of high kicking: Hold the large ex-girlfriend-stuffed-animal, imagine it is her, and toss it in front of you. Kick the hell out of it. Repeat, while shouting her name. Satisfying, isn’t it!
• Get your breath, and stand at the side of the bed. Jump as hard as you can backwards, and kick your feet up at an imaginary target at eye level. Backwards is key here, otherwise, you will end up with a bleeding face and possibly a broken leg. For a change of pace, replace the bed with a futon, with or without a mattress.
• Ninja speed reflexes are legendary. For one minute and thirty seconds, drop a dollar bill out of your hand, and try to catch it before it hits the ground. To improve your reflexes, make it a $20 bill.
• For the last exercise, practice jumping over a moving vehicle. For beginners, a neighbor’s kid on a tricycle is considered to be a moving vehicle. Advanced jumpers can move on up to Big Wheels, sorority girls on bicycles, and pizza delivery drivers. Remember to add a few feet of clearance because of the leet pizza car signs that strap to the top of the car.

There. If you can find the time to practice these things every day, you will become eligible to wear the venerated black uniform of the Ninja. We own the NIGHT!