We have all been there. 2:30 in the morning, eyes peeled back like a pair of grapes with toothpicks underneath waiting for the little red thingy at the bottom right hand corner of the screen to pop up and let us know that the latest smart aleck comment was being judged and relayed all over the internet by our groupie friends on FaceBook.
It can be a little addictive.
But it can also cause severe sleep dep, which makes the quick one liners and smartass comments sound dry and oddly disjointed. How do you manage to keep your reign as the edgiest man on your friends network? Fortunately for you, we have a few tips to keep you tight and funny while you get to sleep all you want to, thereby maintaining your edge as the funniest person on the Internet.’
- When inviting new people into your circle of assgrabbing soilhoggers.. .I mean friends.. make sure they are only online during your waking hours. No invites after midnight, because that is like getting the last girl standing at the bar.
- Choose you battles wisely. You do not have to comment on the new baby, or the recent surgeries, or the childrens’ new FaceBook photos. Skip those, mostly because they are too easy and forgettable.
- Make SURE your mother is not on your Facebook. In fact, if she is, stop reading now and fix that quickly. This takes care of a lot of awkward moments.
- Since you are taking your mother off of your FB, take your girlfriend off too. She doesn’t need to see any of this either, and plus she is always making you take those damned quizzes on how much you love each other. Let it go, man.
- When you start doing your carpet bomb on people, make it short and sweet, and make sure you have enough friends online when you do it to make it worth your while. Only having one person on is useless, because you are up the rest of the night waiting for your real friends to read the flame.
- Faster is better, and many are greater than few. Knock off as many burns as quickly as possible, then come back in an hour and look at the carnage. Look at your meme counter. If it is only 2, then you didn’t hit your target. If it is over 20, nice one. Over 100, you get a call from Colbert wanting a new writer ( and he needs one. Truly.)
- Any late night burns and cuts are considered overnight after 11pm. It is like cooking a turkey. Turn on the oven, and forget about it for 5-6 hours. Open the oven in the morning, and reap your reward.
By using these few simple steps, you get all the well-deserved rest you need. And you have certainly earned it as “King of the Facebook world”.
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