It is a dark and stormy night. As you and your date leave the latest Julia Roberts movie via the back exit, you are suddenly attacked by 12 Ninjas! What do you do?

Well, if you are the woman in this adventure, run away. Make sure you fall and break a heel, or twist your leg, or something theatrical. Lose your voice and be unable to call for help. Take a wrong turn, and end up captured, tied up, and tossed in the back of a van. Make sure to keep your purse and drop your cell phone. Plead frequently for your life, twist your wrists against the ropes that bind you, and generally make a nuisance of yourself. Don’t show any fear, because nothing is actually going to happen to you anyhow. You are not to be seen again until there is only 5 minutes left in the movie. Your part was easy.

Now, for the guy. You are all alone with a dozen Ninjas. Your date has ran off and tripped or whatever and been captured, etc. Put that out of your mind. Take a few deep breaths while they are circling around you brandishing their Ninja weapons.

• First of all, stand with your back to a wall. From a fighting standpoint, this makes little sense, as you are cutting off any hope of escape. But in order for the Ninjas to do those kick-ass wall walks, they have to be near a wall.

• Take off your jacket, watch, earrings, and any other jewelry you are wearing. No sense ruining a nice set of clothes fighting Ninjas.
• Assume a random fighting stance. If you took tae kwan do as a child, this will do nicely. If you didn’t participate in martial arts training as a child, take just a moment to curse your parents, and make something up. Be intimidating.
• When the Ninjas start to attack, remember: The Ninja code is “Only one Ninja at a time can attack.” This makes it a LOT easier.
• When the first Ninja jumps to attack you, drop to one knee and punch upwards. That will make the rest of the Ninjas pause. No one likes taking a ball punch, not even Ninjas.
• While the first Ninja is on the ground clutching his privates, this is a good time to pick up a weapon. Weapons are always found in dark alleys, usually only a few inches from your feet. Hope for the sawed-off shotgun; settle for the stiff dead cat.
• If you get the shotgun, start shooting away. A sawed-off shotgun found in an alleyway during a Ninja fight has unlimited ammunition. Blaze away unti the Ninjas flip and regroup.
• If you get the stiff dead cat, keep in mind that the tail of the stiff dead cat will only stay attached for a few blows before breaking off. Start thinking of a back-up plan, or use both halves of the cat as nunchucks.
• When the Ninjas back away in pain (shotgun) or revulsion (cat guts everywhere), turn and run towards the dead end of the alley. It sounds silly, but if you go out the other side, you will be safe. Where is the fun in that?
• When you get to the dead end, turn around and look confused. Pick up the next alleyway weapon, tossing the shotgun/dead cat parts aside. The Ninjas are rushing you now!
• In slow motion, hit each Ninja with the lead pipe/Barbie Corvette (here again, alleyway weapons vary). Make sure you pirouette after each strike. Do a foward roll too, just for fun. There is nothing better than rolling in raw sewage and movie theater garbage.
• After a Ninja takes a hit on the shoulder, it should be knocked unconscious for 2-5 hours. Once you have eliminated all of the soldier Ninjas, it is time to fight the Boss Ninja at his hideout and rescue your date; however, you can skip this part if your date
  1. is not going to put out anyhow, or
  2. is hideously unattractive.

  If either of these apply, pick up your clothes and go home, shower, and go to bed.

Congratulations!