Tired of sitting at home leading raids on World of Warcraft or spam updating your Twitter? Is your BlackBerry your best friend? Have you looked at all of the “Hottie” pictures on FaceBook? Ready to venture out into the dating world, but you haven’t been on a date since Apple 2C? You need a few tips to get started, and luckily for you, we have them right here.
- If you are a girl, you can probably stop reading this now. It doesn’t actually matter from a guy’s standpoint what you look like or how you act. With proper lighting, you can be a 3-toed sloth eating a plate of entrails, and a guy will want to take you out. Congratulations!
Now that we have managed to stop the girls from reading our secrets (EWWWWW!!! ENTRAILS!!!!), we can get started.
- Using your mouse, click on Google, and type in INDIE BANDS. Copy and paste 10-12 sites to your MySpace or FaceBook page. If necessary, include cover art. Comments such as ” Hauntingly beautiful” and ” Wanton” add to your credibility. Under no circumstances actually listen to the music. It is Vogon Poetry. Truly.
It is a dark and stormy night. As you and your date leave the latest Julia Roberts movie via the back exit, you are suddenly attacked by 12 Ninjas! What do you do?
Well, if you are the woman in this adventure, run away. Make sure you fall and break a heel, or twist your leg, or something theatrical. Lose your voice and be unable to call for help. Take a wrong turn, and end up captured, tied up, and tossed in the back of a van. Make sure to keep your purse and drop your cell phone. Plead frequently for your life, twist your wrists against the ropes that bind you, and generally make a nuisance of yourself. Don’t show any fear, because nothing is actually going to happen to you anyhow. You are not to be seen again until there is only 5 minutes left in the movie. Your part was easy.
Now, for the guy. You are all alone with a dozen Ninjas. Your date has ran off and tripped or whatever and been captured, etc. Put that out of your mind. Take a few deep breaths while they are circling around you brandishing their Ninja weapons.
- First of all, stand with your back to a wall. From a fighting standpoint, this makes little sense, as you are cutting off any hope of escape. But in order for the Ninjas to do those kick-ass wall walks, they have to be near a wall.
We have all been there. 2:30 in the morning, eyes peeled back like a pair of grapes with toothpicks underneath waiting for the little red thingy at the bottom right hand corner of the screen to pop up and let us know that the latest smart aleck comment was being judged and relayed all over the internet by our groupie friends on FaceBook.
It can be a little addictive.
But it can also cause severe sleep dep, which makes the quick one liners and smartass comments sound dry and oddly disjointed. How do you manage to keep your reign as the edgiest man on your friends network? Fortunately for you, we have a few tips to keep you tight and funny while you get to sleep all you want to, thereby maintaining your edge as the funniest person on the Internet.’
- When inviting new people into your circle of assgrabbing soilhoggers.. .I mean friends.. make sure they are only online during your waking hours. No invites after midnight, because that is like getting the last girl standing at the bar.
- Choose you battles wisely. You do not have to comment on the new baby, or the recent surgeries, or the childrens’ new FaceBook photos. Skip those, mostly because they are too easy and forgettable.
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