Self Defense Techniques for the IRL Challenged

13Nov08 Self Defense Techniques for the IRL Challenged

From time to time, according to different blog sites it is a good idea to walk outside the house and participate in society by going shopping, driving an automobile, and speaking to other human beings without hitting the Enter key. When these moments occur, it is imperative to remember two things. First of all, no one cares about your level 61 DK set. Secondly, you have to protect yourself against the huddled masses that defy meta description. Here is a list for the Facebook spammer, the MySpace uploader, and the WoW addict that will come in handy if the need arises for face time confrontation with wetware.

Fl;sn;s;bs <target>;fl;sn; c heal. This does not work. You cannot stack commands in real life.
Running away from a fight is a lot more efficient than reforming yourself to back/center.
If this person is trying to beat your ass, it is not a good time to ask to join his clan. Walk/run away.
You cannot call on your guild, nor can you enter the guildhall because it is an !violence room.
Shouting on public channels for a cleric will not help you. Try a policeman instead.
Casting invisible on yourself doesn’t work. IRL people can see infrared.
Grab the nearest rock. Instead of conjuring an earth elemental to fight for you, hit your combatant with the rock instead. Do not throw the rock, because the rock as a handheld weapon is 4d6, but as a missile weapon it is 1d6 and your hit roll sucks.
Carry a small container of lighter fluid in your fanny pack with a butane lighter. If confronted, squirt lighter fluid on the ground between you and the aggressor. Light it. You are now firewalled against attack.
Wear thick clothing. A light jacket is Ac -1, a heavy coat is AC -5 and doubles as a sanctuary spell, cutting damage by 50%.
Ask a passerby to tank for you while you spell up.
Oddly enough, all levitate, fly, and water walk spells don’t work in real life. Running away works just fine, so don’t waste mana trying to cast the spells.
If confronted by more than one mob, er, person, remember: polymorph usually makes it worse.

Also, there are going to be opportunities to meet other people outside your Facebook/MySpace friends. This usually takes place in public places, so there is a certain etiquette you must follow outside in the real world that is strikingly different than cyberland.

Before going out, make sure you are wearing pants.
When talking to another person, do not talk in all caps. Just speak a little louder, without the aggression.
Do not end every other sentence with :P.
If something is funny, do not roll on the floor and laugh your ass off. A simple chuckle will suffice.
Do not ask the pretty waitress bringing you a Mountain Dew if she has any other pics available.
Do not tell someone to “Google” anything. Just answer the question.
You can not mute the volume in a restaurant.
If a conversation takes a bad turn, you cannot backspace. Edit on the fly.
If someone actually pokes you IRL, think carefully before poking back.
When drinking in public, it is commonplace to use a glass instead of drinking out of the container.
If there is someone you do not wish to talk to, just ignore them. NO glyphs of warding are necessary. Unless, of course, it is a Vampire.